Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A little down tonight...

Today was a weird day. It was very much an I-miss-my-mom day. She didn't get out of bed until about 11:15. Brian knew he was going to work late so I thought it would be good to get out of the house and break up the day a bit. I had to go to the bank, and I so I asked Mom to come along and said we could do a little window-shopping too. She took a shower and then sat back down on the couch to wait for me to get ready, where she fell asleep again. We went to the bank and walked around some shops downtown, and I was just scrounging around for anything at all to talk about. The whole drive in was complete and utter silence (not that that's different from any other day lately, but today it bothered me more). The whole time we were out was silence. Brian's birthday is in a few days, so I we looked at cards. Mom saw a couple she liked, but didn't pick any up. Before we left I asked her why she didn't get one, to which she replied, "I don't have any money". Of course, I told her to pick one out and I would get it...I think she was embarassed by that. I asked her if she wanted to get Brian a present, but she said she didn't know what to get and it would be just as well not to get anything. We got back home and she slept on the couch for two or three hours.

I just miss her. I miss carrying on a conversation and laughing. I miss making plans together. I miss effortlessness. I miss interaction. Oh, and an update about the whole medication situation...Mom talked to her psychiatrist last week about cutting back on some of her anti-psychotic drugs. He said his records indicated that she hadn't even been taking one of them since November! I have no idea where the mixup in communication occurred or how she was able to keep renewing her prescription, but supposedly she wasn't even supposed to still be on it. And for another, he said he had down that she was on a lower dosage than what she said. Again, not sure how that all got confused. So anyway, the outcome is that she is now being weened off of one completely and cutting back on another. Brian is very hopeful that by taking away some of the medications, Mom will be more lucid and more like herself. I want to be hopeful, but I'm too cynical for that. Based on today, I don't see any changes yet. Although we did have a cookout on Sunday, and she didn't get anxious at all the whole day. She certainly wasn't talkative, but she did stay around people and never got upset...which is a victory in our book.

I just miss her.

I welcome your comments and thank you for stopping by.


April said...

I'm glad to hear about the cookout. I wasn't aware you were back from Indy but I'm going to give you a call when I get off work. I love you and miss you so much.

Lindsey said...

Hi Kelsi,

We had talked over email a while back but then we got busy. Hope you don't mind, but I took a few sentences out of your blog and posted it in mine. You hit the nail on the head with how it feels.