After my last post, I was looking forward to writing a post that wasn't so depressing. Things actually looked up for a little bit; I had a decent day on Tuesday and a really good day on Wednesday. I was going to post about how things are better and I was just having a bad day before. Then today came. Today is one of those days I wish I could erase from my life...you know, the kind that leaves you so hurt and exhausted and beat up that you don't even know what to do with yourself? That was today.
When I got up this morning, Mom was taking Mocha on a walk in keeping with the schedule we had made. I had my breakfast and got some things done, then Mom got home. She called me outside to the back porch swing because she wanted to tell me about what had happened earlier in the morning. I knew nothing good would come of a conversation starting out like that. Mom called my dad earlier in the week to ask if he would help in paying the interest on my student loans from month to month so it doesn't accrue, as well as some other financial help. He said that he would think about it and call her back. Well, he called back this morning, and long story short, he isn't in the position right now to help, Mom got upset, and they exchanged words in a very mean and nasty fashion. Several phone calls took place, including calls between my mom and my dad's parents and my brother. People said hurtful things all around, and it was a bad situation in every respect.
As Mom recounted to me what happened, I told her I was so sorry that Dad and Greg (my brother) had said such hurtful things to her. She was getting emotional, and I was trying to stay on an even level so she wouldn't get more upset. Well, all of a sudden it was like something snapped in Mom. She started crying harder and looked me square in the eye and said, "Kelsi, aren't you mad at them for treating me that way?" I told her of course I was mad...but apparently my calm reaction wasn't enough of a response. She started screaming at me, saying it hurt her that I wasn't more upset about it and that she wanted me to call Dad and Greg, in front of her, and let them have it. By that point, I was crying...I was so scared. I have never seen my mom the way I saw her this morning. There was so much hatred on her face as she screamed at me, and I didn't know what to do. I asked her please not to put me in that position. I said that I love her, and said, "isn't that enough?" But she wanted me to call them, to do something about it, to stand up for myself. What I think she really meant was to stand up for her. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, and I had no idea how to respond. All I knew was that I was frightened to see her the way she was this morning. Eventually, I just couldn't take sitting there anymore. I told her that I love her, but that I needed to go inside.
When I got inside, all I wanted to do was leave the house. I wanted to go for a drive and put on some music and just clear my head. I knew, however, that I couldn't leave Mom alone when she was upset. I tried calling Grandpa Hoops and Peggy, Mom's best friend, but neither one answered their phone. So I called Brian at work to ask him our neighbor's last name, so I could call her and see if she could come sit with Mom. Of course, even though I tried to sound like I hadn't been crying, Brian could tell instantly. He said he would leave work for a family emergency and to hang tight till he got home. I stayed in my room and called April (God bless her) so I wouldn't feel so alone and scared and sad, and she talked to me until Brian got back and prayed with me.
Apparently Mom had collected herself and was prepared to go on about her day when she heard the garage door open. She was completely taken aback that Brian was home. I came out of my room, still trying to stop sobbing, with puffy eyes and a tear-soaked face. Almost as soon as Brian asked what had been going on, Mom lost it. She got so very angry...she yelled and threw things and went to her room and slammed the door and just screamed and screamed and screamed. Brian told me to take Mocha outside and he went to her. I found out upon going back inside that Mom got so worked up that she couldn't catch her breath, and Brian was afraid he would have to call 911. She threw up twice and almost hyperventilated. She wouldn't even look at Brian for a while. It was, quite frankly, horrifying. That's the best word I can think of...totally and wholly horrifying.
Conflict begets conflict
One of Mom's main concerns was that my dad know when he hurts Mom, it hurts me too. It has a profound effect on me. After having such an awful, awful time and seeing Mom in such a horrendous state, I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to talk to Dad about what went down. I called him and asked if I could come over to talk to him. We set up a time about an hour later, and I met him at his house. I am way too tired to recount all the words that were exchanged and the manner in which they were spoken, but I will say that Dad doesn't care. He doesn't care that Mom's upset, he doesn't care that I'm upset, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He didn't even try to listen to what I had to say; instead, he only wanted to get his point across and villainize Mom. After about half an hour, I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to help him understand that Mom is not the same person she used to be, and he didn't want to hear any of it. I just got up and headed toward the door, telling Dad that I love him but I can't do this anymore; it's too hard.
Caught in the aftermath
When I got home, Mom was sleeping and Brian met me at the door so I could, yet again, cry on his shoulder. We had a long talk about what Dad said to me and how I feel and what happened with Mom and how she's doing. At one point, Brian just started crying.
I'm almost falling asleep at the keyboard now because it's been such a tiring day. There are more details that can be added in to the story of today, but those can always come later. My biggest take-away from today: if you've got to face a crisis, there's no one better to face it with than Brian. And we are certainly facing a crisis now...the woman we love is becoming someone else more and more each day. And now I'm going to go to bed before I crash right here. I welcome your comments and thank you for stopping by.